You’re Making a Big Deal Out of Nothing

Sometimes our natural reaction to our partner’s upset feelings turns out to be the MOST UNHELPFUL thing we could say and brings about exactly the reaction we least expect or want.  How often have you seen your mate over-react to a condition or situation that seems less than catastrophic?  Ever try, even in a loving tone, to point that out to them?  Did it help matters?  Probably about as much as pouring gasoline on a fire to put it out.

It is for this reason that I regularly coach couples to take “I think you are making a big deal out of nothing!” out of their vocabulary entirely.  Even if you could get all of your friends to agree that what your partner is upset about isn’t really that big a deal, don’t say it!

Here’s why.  The person feeling upset is already in a vulnerable state.  They may be angry or frustrated or hurt.  They may even see that their reaction is overblown but aren’t in a position to let it go.  Telling them that they are making a big deal out of nothing is often interpreted by the listener in this way; “Oh, I see, not only am I upset but I’m a fool (immature, a jerk, an idiot, etc.) for even being upset.  They think they just went from “just upset” to “upset and foolish in their partner’s eyes.”  Don’t be surprised if you get a very negative reaction to your comment.

It is only natural when we see our partner overly upset to want to help by calming him or her down.  But in this case, most efforts in that direction will usually make things worse.

There are two counter-intuitive responses to this situation that often work better.  The first one is pretty simple.  Rather than to trying to be helpful, quietly withdraw and give them space.  Sometimes they are looking for some way to release their frustration and you might become the target if you get too close.  It might be easier for them to get over what is bothering them if they don’t have any witnesses to the process.

The second counter-intuitive response is to say, “I’m sorry that happened to you.  That must feel awful (frustrating, horrible, so unfair, etc.).”  You aren’t really legitimizing their over-reaction, you’re just acknowledging that they are upset and you are sorry that they are in such a state.

If you can reflect back their feeling (using only adjectives) and empathize with their plight, while ignoring their over-reaction, you have the best chance of staying connected while they work through whatever is bothering them.

I’ll be sharing more tips and strategies for transforming any relationship into a great one in future e-mails.

Be back with you soon,

-Jim

P.S. If you want to learn other ways to avoid stepping on land mines and find out how to increase the time you spend in love with your partner, then check out
The Powerful Partnerships Teleseminar for Couples at:

http://thecouplescourse.com

The first session begins on Thursday October 1st and guarantees to improve your relationship no matter how long you have been together and what your current situation is.

There is a special one-time offer for this upcoming course so be sure to check it out at http://thecouplescourse.com.  You’ll be glad you did.